Getting to 5k with the Power of Barbra Streisand

Musical theater and fitness - together at last!

TW: Talk of weight and weight gain/loss (I won’t do this every issue!)

Today, I was excited to do it!

I mean, I did wake up angry that I wasn’t asleep anymore and wondered if I could find a way to live life from my bed. After realizing waking life was inevitable and 45 minutes of appreciating the divine softness of my comforter, I got up, put on my compression socks, and took a walk!

“Walk more” might not seem like an exciting goal. Same with the goal of “eventually run a 5k at a very slow pace.” Certainly, these vague, low ambitions aren’t something to write a Substack about!

Well, walking is a big enough goal for me for one reason: It’s been hard as fuck to do!

Eight years ago when I moved to LA from NYC, I gained 100 lbs. After a few years, I changed some habits, tried 400 diets, lost 60 pounds, and walked every day. Yay!

Then, the pandemic happened.

Where I live, you had to wear a mask everywhere, even if you were walking outside in your neighborhood. Walking with a mask felt like walking with someone mildly strangling me (you know, like they maybe want to kill you but haven’t quite committed. A mild strangling). This is not an anti-mask argument! I wore my mask all the time and knew it was the right thing. But long mask-walks led to anxiety attacks, so that habit faded quickly.

Plus, I didn’t give a shit about what I ate because civilization was potentially collapsing around me. The day I started working from home (March 2020, when the restrictions got real), my first move was to buy shitloads of Cadbury mini-eggs and let my chocolate inhibitions die.

Plus plus, ordering takeout from restaurants was helping the economy. Getting nachos and a liter of margarita wasn’t indulgent, it made me a hero!

So I gained weight. Somewhere in the 70 pound range (I’m taking a break from scales, sorry for the inaccuracy).

But this isn’t a story about the sad, fat woman who’s life is passing her by. No “I hit rock bottom. Every day, looking in the mirror was a nightmare. I cried out ‘this isn’t me!’” tales of woe to be found here.

In fact, while I gained weight, I worked from home, started a new business, quit my job for my business, helped hundreds of students get bylines for the first time, grew my newsletter to 9000 people, and made more money than I ever had in my life. All doing something fun, from home.

As you can, I’m very beautiful.

My weight hasn’t held me back. I’ve been the most successful ever, in fact. But I bring it up because my dumb brain still brings is up. Though I’d love to unabashedly love my body, I grew up in the era where Kate Winslet was considered plus sized. And, I was an actress from 17-33 years of age. I got a “body issues” lifetime pass and I’m still trying to break the contract.

Anyway, I talk weight for context on where I’m starting on the fitness journey. This won’t be about weight (I’ll probably talk about body issues again, but you’ll get a warning). It’ll be about walking/jogging/moving more.

Fun fact: I have depression. Two celexas a day keep the psychiatrist away (mostly the psychiatrist stays aways because it takes 6 months to get an appointment), but exercise is classically great for mental health. And I only get about 200 steps a day.

Really. I’m dubbing myself “super sedentary.” “Super” because I’m not confined to sitting like a bus driver or long haul trucker. No, I choose to remain seated all day. Not seated at an office chair, but reclined on a little velvet couch while I type away. I don’t even get the full core exercise of sitting upright most of the day!

I thought the end of the pandemic (is it ever really over?) would be enough to get me moving again. I’d try to get up and walk…and go back to bed. I got a treadmill, that I looked at and my husband used. I tried bribing myself, meditating, and tricking my brain with the “you only have to walk for 5 minutes!” ruse. Nothing’s worked. I need something stronger. I need…

Barbra Streisand

Babs Enters the Chat

At 6, I faced a career crisis. By 3, I knew I’d be a singer. But after doing a play in my neighbor’s driveway, I wanted to add acting to the resume. But how could I do both?

“Barbra Streisand acts and sings” my mom said, likely trying to alleviate my first-grade professional anxiety.

“She does?” I asked, amazed.

“Yeah. She does albums and musicals. You can do both.”

It was decided. Barbra Streisand gave me a new career path.

As I got older, I wasn’t a Babs-fanatic, but no honorable musical theater person can argue with the glory of “Don’t Rain on My Parade.” Or my favorite, the “Tell Him” the duet with Celine Dion from the Let’s Talk About Love album.

When Streisand’s autobiography was announced, I pre-ordered it immediately. Imagine the Elliot Gould gossip! Shade from making the Hello, Dolly movie. An inside look at I Can Get It For You Wholesale. How could I resist?

Finding out it was 966 pages put some precipitation on my procession. It’s a lot to get through and I have cozy mysteries set in an Irish bakery to read!

48 Hours

The audiobook is 48 hours long. Two days! A project.

That’s what made it click. This 48-hour audiobook is a project to get through. Walking more is a project. By gum, what if I put them together!

Now, if I want to hear about Streisand’s suspenders in Star is Born, I have to walk.

And today was the first day.

Wait, What’s Happening?

After 3 sedentary years, I’m going to get in the habit of walking again and eventually run a 5k through the power of Barbra Streisand.

You’ll hear about the weirdness of starting a new habit, my changes along the way, and get updates on Streisand’s life as I keep going.

I’ll walk/move/do something physical 3 times a week.

I’ll write a new post every week or every other week. Who knows! This is new!

You get to see someone appreciate their body more (and maybe even like it, my word!) and work up to the fitness level of “not getting a sore back from sleeping.”

And you get the best bits of Babs without wading through her 966 page tome.

I’ll track my miles and how many hours I have left in the autobiography.

I’m not tracking my weight, size, or what I’m eating. Mostly because I got bored thinking about tracking my food, so that’s out.

So come! Be among the people. The people who read people (trying to walk more) i.e. the luckiest people. In the world.